Riding the Fence

You know, some days I sit, and I wonder if the universe is punishing me... or maybe even punishing myself. I realize that's dramatic, but truly. I'm sitting around today, like any other day. I'm looking at my house, my yard, a dog I never wanted (*don't crucify me here), my husband sitting on his phone, one kid watching TV, the other on their tablet. I didn't make dinner today. The house is a disaster. The yard is even worse.

In moments where I'm struggling, I have always loved to open all the blinds and let the sunshine in... the sun always makes everything feel like there's magic. So, I opened the blinds, and the sun poured in across my hardwood floors, so bright and warm. I turned around and all I saw today was millions of white wire-like dog hairs, a solid layer of dust, and so many crumbs... You have GOT to be shitting me.

I don't want any of this. I mean, except the kids... I love them more than life (despite every SINGLE crumb on the floor being from them). But I can't help but wonder, like... is that a normal feeling? I know the choices I've made up to this moment have contributed to the life I have today. But does that mean I can't be sad about it? Sometimes I think, I was let down by... oh, I don't know, the world, my parents, definitely myself... I chose things before my brain was finished developing, before I knew myself. Before, I knew what I wanted out of life. Before I knew I had a choice... And that is so fucking painful. If there were one thought that could slice me down to the soul at any given moment... it would be that I am 38 years old and I'm living an entire life that just doesn't fit quite right.

I wake up uninspired, lonely, sad, trying to be the best mom but barely able to muster the energy I need to get through another day living a life that's not in line with who I am as a human being. I feel like I get up and I'm on someone else's hamster wheel that spins to benefit something or someone else: my husband, the house, this "American Dream." And...I don't want to do it anymore.

I don't want to live in this too-expensive-house, in this very-desirable neighborhood, around acquaintances who are too-good-to-be-your-friends. I don't want a marriage where my husband is more interested in watching TikTok than in talking with me. I don't want a husband who would rather be on the couch "decompressing" from every single day, because each one is so draining and terrible that he never has the energy to engage, (unless it's with anyone living outside our house). I don't want a husband who watches me carry the entire household on my shoulders and doesn't even blink. I don't want a husband who hasn't said "I love you" in four years because I-should-already-know-that. I don't want a husband who will NOT touch me unless it's in our bed and results in sex. And yes, expects we should every time, because what-could-possibly-be-the-problem? If he didn't want to have sex so much, I'd bet my life he was cheating. Unfortunately, I think he's just extremely immature and, even though he doesn't mean to, the immaturity is looking a lot like "emotionally abusive" these days. But again, maybe just me being dramatic. Maybe if I really thought he was emotionally abusive though, on purpose, it'd be easier to leave.

We bought a house too big and too expensive; we miss life experiences because we're sitting in it... Looking at dirty ass floors, because I haven't swept for the 30th time today.

I want to go hike on Saturdays and be in nature. I don't love the thought of going alone. But also, where are my friends you may ask... good question. Also, my husband doesn't leave the couch, remember... So, I stay at home, with the dirty floors and the TV on...

I want to travel... With the money I save next... as I spend every extra cent trying to keep the HOA just-happy-enough with my terrible grass, in a large yard I also didn't want by the way... too much work. Turns out I was right... So, I sit, in my house, uninspired, lonely, and sad.

And I think, what would it look like if I burned it all to the ground? If I left my husband, if I didn't have this house, this yard, the expenses... would I be happier?

Now, despite my husband being lazy and emotionally immature, I am safe - that's important to clarify here. (If you feel you are not, please reach out.) Are my feelings hurt most of the time? Sure. But (rationalization begins here...) I am a highly mature adult who allows each emotion to pass remembering, his behavior is never a reflection of me. Also, the house is terribly expensive, but I've also never locked a door since we've lived here - including when we're out of town. My kids' schools are equally safe; they walk or ride their bikes every single day, with friends or alone. We have a two-parent, upper-middle-class income. It doesn't stretch far because we live in one of the most expensive states in America... but I'm fully aware that what we have is probably someone else's dream. And that's the hard part. How could I burn down a life someone else would die for? Burn down my children's entire life because I'm uninspired, sad, and lonely? Really? Emotionally, it might sound like an easy call - "you're not happy, your kids know you aren't happy," they always say... But also... I know there are people in a similar situation who have "run the numbers." And functionally, realistically, financially... the numbers don't add up to equal: you-should-definitely-burn-your-life-to-the-ground. They just, don't...

So, I stay here. On the fence... waiting for one more thing to tip me one way or the other... I hope for things to get better. For my husband to adore me, to love me in a way I can feel. For things to stop breaking in this house. For a lighter financial load... To feel something that inspires me. Even deeper, skeleton-in-the-closet-deep... some days I secretly hope something "bad enough" happens that it forces me to light the match. If I could just see my husband at lunch with another woman. Or the assessment on our house is so high we just can't manage the taxes or rise in insurance to come. Like, please... for the love of it all... just be bad enough that I can burn it all down and have a good reason why I did it. Something I can tell people, and they go... "oh girl, I would have done the same..."

It's sad, isn't it? I'm uninspired, sad, and alone almost every single day. But I couldn't possibly tell people that's the reason I gave up a "good man", our big-beautiful-house, "that" location, the school district... all because I'm just feeling really sad...

I know some of you reading this will beg to differ, and I love you for it. But I've seen it, and it's terrifying. It might be "better in the end" - I know. I've seen that part too. But at first, and maybe for years... It could look like a one-bedroom apartment; a bad school district; only being privvy to half of the REST of my kids childhood. Devestating. Even if you win, it's always a loss - friends, kids' friends, neighbors, community, our routine, our home (not the house, our home)...

I know this is not inspiring. It isn't meant to be and I am sorry if that's what you came here for today; I promise to deliver hope another day, maybe tomorrow. Today all I have is raw, because it's just where I am. Weighing each option ever so carefully that I talk myself into and out of a decision, in the same moment. Over and over, again. In case you were wondering, I am a wildly brilliant debater...

So, I cry. Really hard. Alone, in this paralyzing emotional pain. Then, I dry my eyes, shake my head, and tell myself I'm just being ridiculous as I look around the walk-in closet I'm crying in, full of clothes and shoes... and decide I'll stay on the fence, just for now.

Maybe, tomorrow will be different.

Love Always,

Bev

P.S.

I admire everyone who was able to light the match the moment they recognized their life was not where they belonged. I wish I were that aware... that bold... that fierce.

For those of you who are with me, here, in this space; who are simply waiting for the thing that makes it worth it, that makes sense, I see you. I feel your longing to wake up to a life that fits just right. I admire you for wanting to make the perfect choice. I understand. I hope life becomes everything you've hoped for. Mostly, that you find the courage to jump off the fence...

P.S.S.

Animal lovers relax... It was never about the dog; it's about the full weight of another living being falling solely on my shoulders when I'd said NO, knowing I was at capacity and could not accept another responsibility. And... it being done anyways. Just like this fucking front yard...