Navigating Marriage and Healing: Insights for Modern Women

As women, we navigate the complexities of marriage and healing, often finding ourselves at a crossroads. The journey can be filled with challenges, but it also presents opportunities for growth, connection, and self-discovery. Sometimes it just takes knowing we are not alone before we're able to thrive. I hope you find something that resonates with you here and you keep coming back.

Understanding the Dynamics of Marriage

Let's be honest, comparing dynamics of one marriage to another is tempting. I think we're all secretly trying to find what soothes us. Whether that is... "my husband is better than hers", "men are all the same", or maybe (our deepest hopes) "that they aren't"... No matter how you look at it, it's a slippery slope. Every marriage has its own unique dynamic - I know, cliché. If yours works for you and you are fulfilled and happy - I am in complete admiration. Alas, I think so many people are not. For me, it was imperative to understand how the dynamic was created in the first place. While many things lead to that creation, truly, everything starts with communication - communication builds the dynamic, brick by brick, from the first conversation, first disagreement, and first resolution. And all that communicating can be messy. Most of the time, no one means for it to be messy... we just speak in a tone that comes naturally, when and how we decide to bring things up, using words we feel best suit the severity of any given moment. A lot of times, it can feel a lot like, "I tell them, over and over. Nothing ever changes." The takeaway can feel very simple: I communicate + no changes = they don't care. Unfortunately, it's much more complex. Communication is so deeply rooted in who we are and (more importantly) how we've become who we are, that it's hard to unravel where "communication" issues begin.

Communication is Key

"Effective communication is the foundation of any successful marriage," they say. Right... we've all heard some version of that. And okay, sure, it's probably true. But for those of us who didn't grow up with healthy adults showing us how to "talk to each other" or "solve conflict" - it really doesn't help to have someone in our face telling us, "communication is key." Like, HELLO, we are communicating. And it's not going very well...

This is for those people, the ones who try really hard to communicate to their full capacity, yet the conversation still ends up being a total train wreck. In my marriage, that has been true for at least a decade, and (before recently) I truly could not tell you why. Except that, it's most certainly not MY fault. When something is hard, painful, and seemingly unsolvable, it has always helped me to hear someone else's experience that mirrors my own.

So, this one is for you...

I was sitting in therapy a year ago discussing my husband's inability to communicate, naturally. In that moment, I was overcome with total devastation because not only can my husband not communicate appropriately after 12 years of marriage. That is proof he does not care. Now, there were a multitude of other issues; every long-term relationship accumulates them along the way. But during that time, it felt like "the end" was the only solution in sight. I was drowning in the depths of heartbreak. In the place I am supposed to do that... Then my therapist asked, "Have you ever considered your communication could be the problem?" I was shocked. How could I be the problem... I did not hear her ask a question. I heard an attack on my character. I heard blame. I thought, "I am successful, independent, maintain tons of other relationships without any issues, and I have a master's degree for crying out loud - how DARE she." Now, I'll say, in retrospect, I mentioned that fact as proof that "I'm better than him" and therefore could never be my fault... Petty. Awful. I know... I'm the one saying it out loud, and it does not feel great. Bottom line, I was so offended; after everything I shared with her about my marriage, about how he treats me - I couldn't believe it. It was the ultimate betrayal...

Having caught on to my very graceful (not graceful at all) reaction, she elaborated. She went on to give several theories about why my husband communicates the way he does - things I've shared with her over time and, quite frankly, never thought much about outside of my sessions. She brought up a trip we'd recently gone on - my family of four, my father-in-law, and his wife. After this trip, I shared in therapy that it was bizarre to see my father-in-law up close and personal for ten days straight. Side note - my husband and his father are not very close, so I've never spent much time with him. They were exactly the same. She said, "in the same way that your husband is like his father. You are the way you are because of someone also. Have you ever though about who you are most like in your family...?" Well, I grew up in a special kind of turmoil, dipped in domestic violence, and am the oldest daughter. So thinking about who I am most like, in my family, yikes... that was painful.

After a year of self-reflection. Yes, a year. Like I said, that one was painful. Here's what I've come up with about how I communicate.

• I always say what I have to say. When I was little, I was silenced in a way that caused so much damage. I got to a certain age and I decided, "I will always speak my mind" and I have never thought of that as anything other than noble and brave. However... I've also come to the realization that I usually do so regardless of timing, audience, appropriateness, and often without considering anything about the person I'm talking to...

• I never back down. When I was little, most things were solved with violence or fear of it. I couldn't freely say what I thought, how I felt, or voice any problem or anything really, without a consequence. At some point, I decided my thoughts, feelings, and opinions would be heard, no matter what. But I've been able to pick up on the fact that I expect confirmation and agreement before I feel heard. When there's aversion to what I think, say, or feel - I just... keep... going...

• I will always fight for what's right. I watched a lot of wrong things happen... I won't expand now, I'll save that for another story. But those things... they started a fire inside me. Embers of rage, always under the surface, ready to protect what or whoever needs it. It's kept me so ready to fight that I often address every situation, big or small, with that same level of intensity - I will never let the "bad guy" win. Unfortunately, the problem is, I don't always notice when there is nothing or no one to fight.

As you can see, with some lengthy self-reflection, I was able to unveil some major deficits in the way I communicate. Out of my very best attributes, I found unhealthy beliefs that impact how I show up in life, to those I love... Having a voice is powerful, but using it without regard for anyone or anything around me can cause severe damage. Never backing down can change the world, but doing so without being open to any other point of view quickly turns into ignorance. Lastly, being ready to fight, to protect an idea or a person, no matter what, is honorable. Unless the enemy I'm fighting is in my head. And who I'm trying to protect is me, when I'm five years old. That wound shows up as intensity that doesn't match the moment because I can't ever change what has already been done.

Self-reflection can be really dark and really slow. A lot of realizations will not be easy to see, and when we see them, they are painful. After spending roughly a decade focused soley on how my husband is the problem, I finally found someone that cared enough to hold the perverbial mirror up to my face and force me to take a look. Not to shame. Not to blame. To heal. Now, let me clearly state - my self-discoveries here in no way eradicate my husband of his part. Because, I assure you, there is plenty for him to work on. Only now am I able to see myself instead and where the trauma from my past causes current quakes. I have the opportunity to take accountability and heal. So, when they say "communication is key" - I think that's what they mean... realization that the capacity to communicate came long before we were aware and often had no control over. The foundation is what we get to build when we see ourselves in the mirror and unlearn our automatic responses, programmed in childhood - discover where we can heal and grow - and we choose to intentionally communicate, with awareness, in a healthier way.

So, here's to healing.

Love Always,

Bev

Food for thought...

As you reflect on your own experiences, consider what steps you can take to strengthen your relationship and embrace the changes that come with aging. Remember, it’s never too late to grow, connect, and thrive.